Publishers

Every writer wants a publisher who will fall in love with his/her manuscript, whip out a cheque for a million bucks, and then allow him/her to grow bad hair and become an eccentric.

Sadly, it's Kaliyuga, buddy.

Here are some categories of publishers you are likely to encounter on your quest to own legitimate bad hair.

a. Clueless and Daft: This group just happens to have the money. They have no idea about content, their audience, the market, or what they are here for. They are likely to ask your opinion about everything- what should the page look like, what size should the book be, what promos can we do etc. They'll make you feel mighty important and in charge, but are likely to screw up your work. It isn't the writer's or illustrator's business to figure out production details- if your publishers appears to be clueless, don't bother laughing at their daft jokes. Not worth the effort. Run.

b.Clueless and Rude: This group just happens to have the reputation. They have a vague idea about content i.e., recipe books sell well even during recession etc. They are here to get you to invest your money so they can make some profits. If your publishers want money from you to publish your work, find out if they are genuine. Do they know what they are trying to sell? Make up difficult questions about your work and don't be afraid to ask them. It's your money, dammit!! This group is likely to pretend to be know-it-alls. They will employ a condescending tone and make you feel bad about your hair. Not worth the emotion.

c.Uppity and Unhelpful: This group has a wonderful reputation. Is likely to have produced some marvellous literature in the past but has grown complacent and royal like a bunch of queens inside an eggshell. They will respond to your interest emails with Warm Regards but will turn their nose up when you ask them a genuine question. They are likely to be uninterested in any of your works since they are busy travelling to book fairs around the world to showcase Indian Tribal Art. Punch.

d. Uppity and Uncle-ji: This group is patronizing. Like an Uncle who makes a show of his kindness. They'll pretend to 'share and care', be supportive, offer intellectual suggestions and ultimately ditch you because their limited and exclusive editorial calendar only permits them to publish the work of exiled Iranian women.

e. Capitalists: This group knows the publishing industry very well and doesn't care if your work is shit...as long as it will sell. So if you have an interesting sex life or if you've written books about Shah Rukh Khan's dog, you'll have no problems with this bunch. You make money, they make money, everyone's happy. Unless, you are a prude who'd rather not choose this path.

f. Utopia: This group is extremely rare. They understand content, their audience, the market, the business, and the artists/writers. And they have principles. They pay fair, put a great amount of effort into producing your work (you are done after sending the ms), are enthusiastic about it and take pains to ensure that you have a good working relationship. If you find one such publisher, stick on. They are likely to be selective but it will be a pleasure to work for them.

S